At War with Coach

On Friday I received a letter in the mail that my beloved black patent leather gallery tote bag was received by Coach and deemed “not up to Coach standards” and that they have decided not to repair it. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I was distraught. How could they do this to me? My all time favorite Coach purse-—not up to their standards? They won’t repair it? They’re offering me a credit for what it cost me back then??? Say it isn’t so! Oh say it isn’t so. Brad promised to call them for me on Monday and make my case. He has a golden tongue and I often say that he’d be able to sell the Pope holy water, so if anyone would be able to get some satisfaction from Coach, it would be Bradley.

Brad called me a little while ago, and needless to say, he wasn’t happy. Apparently the woman that he was talking to was a real bitch and wasn’t willing to do anything to make us happy. She also wasn’t willing to talk to Brad. So I called her back, bitch that she was, and the snotty bitch came up with three options—she’d send it back to us and if we could get it repaired, then Coach would foot the bill for the repairs (as though I’d want anyone besides them to work on it—come on now. Why else would I have mailed it to them?), I could accept the freaking credit for exactly the amount that the bag was worth two years ago (hello—the bag was $400 back then—and it was a limited edition tote bag. All their limited edition stuff in that size is now $600 and more—why would I accept a credit if I can’t get something comparable? It needs to be in leather, not that canvas or nylon bullshit, and the same approximate size), or they could send me the bag back and they could give me half off on another purse (still not acceptable—why do I have to fork money over for their poor workmanship?). I told the snotty bitch (because she really was snotty) that she could only make me happy two ways: 1-Find another purse. I don’t care how she finds it, where she finds it, or who she has to kill, but find one, and find it fast. Coach is notorious for saving stock of all of their purses for just these occasions. I told her that I simply refuse to believe that there is not another purse in existence somewhere in the world. There is—she needs to make it her business to get it and then get it to me. 2-Issue me a credit for the amount of the purse, along with 25 percent off (and they can be used together) so I may get a purse of equal value to replace the one that is going to be destroyed.

I think that I’m being pretty darn reasonable if you ask me. And considering the snotty bitch gave me bs excuses like “Well I haven’t had much time to work on this yet,” and “I am the supervisor on the floor right now” and “I’m sorry, but I can’t repair the purse even though I know that is what you really want,” she’s lucky I don’t fly down to Florida and rip her throat out with my bare hands. Not for nothing, but I spend a sick amount of money at Coach every year. I buy, on average, 4 to 5 purses there per year. Not to mention the scarves, gloves, key chains, and presents that I buy for other people. The least they could do is make a very good customer happy. All I have to say is that if they don’t, this will be the last time I ever deal with them, and Gucci and Kate Spade are going to be very, very happy.