My weight neurosis (or why I feel like a fat ass)

Eve commented on my You Can Do It blog,and she mentioned that she was floored because I joined Weight Watchers...I realize that most people probably think that I'm crazy. I was explaining my neurosis to my hubby, Brad, today because even he didn't know how insane I am about my body image.

When I was much younger, like all little brothers, G found the one thing that upset me when he teased me and wielded that name like a sword--he'd call me "fatso." I was completely tramatized by this. Needless to say, I've had a freaking complex about my weight ever since--even though when he started the teasing, I was downright skinny. I did gymnastics when I was little--it was crazy; we used to train 4 days a week for 3 hours a day--I was 4 years old when I started and 10 when I quit. As soon as I quit I started to be weight conscious because I wasn't super skinny--I was normal. I was good until junior year of high school because I was co-captain of the girls swim team and a twirler. (Yes, you heard correctly--don't laugh.) Then I quit my senior year because we got a new coach who I absolutely hated. It was quite the drama-filled event. Anyway, long story short, I went away to college, blew up like a balloon, and finally decided that I wanted to be healthy, so I started dieting and going to the gym. I was fine for a long time. I met people that I knew during the tail end of high school and all of undergraduate (because it took until the end of UG and the beginning of grad school to finally get to my "skinny" weight of 123) and they often didn't even realize it was me until I explained who I am.

Fast forward to right now, and to tell you the truth, I'm just not happy about my weight. I know what my comfort zone is for my weight, and I know that I'm not at it right now--and that ever since I got married, I've gained. Mind you, this isn't Brad's fault, but my own for not controling my eating habits. I was happy with my body when I got married--and now I want to lose those married pounds and look svelt again. I just don't feel comfortable with my body the way it is. Because I was once heavy, I always think of myself that way (and I have the freaking stretch marks to prove it lol). I have a very poor body image, but I know this about myself. I can't help it. It's one of the things I tried to work on when I was in therapy, but unfortunately, all I can do to make myself happy is try to be in control of my weight, in a healthy way. It's really the only way for me to deal with it.